Horrible Hats: An Etsy Roundup

Let’s get right to the point: here are some very expensive things you can buy on Etsy and put on your head if you have no sense of taste, style, or self-respect.

Ruby Feathers White Fox Fur and Macaw War Bonnet by rubyfeathers

I don’t have to explain why this is horrible, do I? Why wearing a fake war bonnet “inspired by Mayan and North American culture” is offensive to Mayans, Native Americans, and anyone who is actually fighting one of the many known and covert wars we’ve got going on right now? But if you really want to spend a cool five grand advertising your complete assholery to others, go right ahead, I guess.

Molecular Mermaid Helmet by jasminzorlu

Supposedly this hat was custom-ordered by Erikah Badu—and there’s evidence—but our main advertising image really oughta be a (topless?) white Drew Barrymore lookalike. Black celebrity endorsements don’t mean anything on Etsy.

Beatrice by KatieBurley

We must face facts: bees are adorable. And the “Beatrice” pun is tickling my weird little funny bone. But if I’m going to spend this much money on a hat it had better be encrusted with fine crystals.

Swarovski Crystal Encrusted Mini Top Hat by venusinchains

That’s better.

TBA by hatsbytracytooker

The only thing more ridiculous than paying a thousand dollars for someone else’s idea of a hat is paying Etsy listing fees for an item you haven’t made yet. And she has a dozen similar listings.

But she’s also got things like this:

Triumph by hatsbytracytooker

Someone tell Chuck Wendig we’ve found Miriam Black‘s hat!

Wedding Cake by hatmosphere2008

When I look at this hat, I hear a gravelly announcer voice: “… and Darryl Hannah as Miss Havisham.”

From the same seller:

Falconers Hood by hatmosphere2008

Description: “This is a human size hat made in the style of the Falcon hoods. It is made of a high quality leather, with bead work, crystals , and feathers. It is comfortable lined and fits most female heads. The corset like back must be loosened to get on and tightened for a snug fit.”

Most. Female. Heads.

That is Serial Killer 101 right there.

For more advanced students, we have:

Kinich Ahau Sun God Mask by whitcritt

But wait—there’s more!

Kinich Ahau Sun God Mask by whitcritt

The mask was supposedly made by some dude in Hawaii, but the seller is in Los Angeles. It’s an Etsy mystery!

Today’s winner:

Small Ship Fascinator by ProfMaelstromme

The reason this wins is that it is based on a historical hat!


{This post brought to you by the indifferently stylish author of such historical romances as Damned if You Do and Hearts and Harbingers, both of which feature attractive heroes who are naked 90% of the time.}


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4 thoughts on “Horrible Hats: An Etsy Roundup

  1. I agree that English versions of Native American cultural garb have extra problems, and I agree that the “war bonnet” I featured looks lovely. But loveliness aside, this headgear has a particular cultural relevance. As I understand it, the wearing of a war bonnet is a privilege that must be earned. Earned privilege is not a thing you can sell (legitimately) on Etsy.

  2. So erh, any hat sporting feathers will indifferently be offensive to native American culture or what? I am French, I research costumes for films and event productions and I find some of those hats absolutely wicked.

  3. That first hat is problematic because it mimics the shape and feather position of Native American headgear — this borrowing strips a proper war bonnet of its cultural context and meaning, for the purposes of ‘fashion’ or ‘exotic’ appeal. It makes a culture into a costume, and that’s an asshole thing to do to an already marginalized group.

    Glad you like the other hats, though! I think the sparkly top hat is my favorite.

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