Entries by Olivia

Bad Poetry Week with Olivia Waite!

So last week was a rough one. I know we all were hoping this week would be better. But then news came that Amanda Palmer had written a poem about the captured Boston bomber — and not just any poem, but a really, truly, unbelievably terrible one. Vogon-worthy poetry. She’s now getting quite a bit of negative feedback for it. This is partly because there are a great many criticisms to be made about a lot of Amanda Palmer’s work, partly because there’s always a horde ready to criticize anything a woman puts into the public world, but mostly, in this specific case, because the poem is exceptionally bland and lazy. (You want to make art that humanizes mass murderers and terrorists? Wislawa Szymborska shows us how it’s done with “The Terrorist, He Watches” and the excellent “Hitler’s First Photograph.”)

What’s worse: Amanda Palmer’s terrible poem is not even terrible enough to be fun.

Over the years, I’ve become something of a connoisseur of bad poetry. The kind that will make your eyes twist and try to escape their sockets before you make them read the next line. And there’s an electricity you get from bad poetry that can be almost as refreshing as good poetry — something about bad poetry makes you realize that you’re not doing so bad in your own life after all, no matter what the nighttime voices tell you when you’re trying to sleep. So I’m declaring this week Bad Poetry Week — I’ll post a different terrible poem every day, culminating in some of my own embarrassing productions from diaries past.

Today’s terrible poem — be warned, this is not for the faint of heart.

A Tragedy

by Theophilus Marzials

Death!
Plop.

The barges down in the river flop.

Flop, plop.
Above, beneath.

From the slimy branches the grey drips drop,
As they scraggle black on the thin grey sky,
Where the black cloud rack-hackles drizzle and fly
To the oozy waters, that lounge and flop
On the black scrag piles, where the loose cords plop,
As the raw wind whines in the thin tree-top.

 

Plop, plop.
And scudding by

The boatmen call out hoy! and hey!
All is running water and sky,

And my head shrieks — “Stop,”
And my heart shrieks — “Die.”

*          *          *          *          *
My thought is running out of my head;
My love is running out of my heart,
My soul runs after, and leaves me as dead,
For my life runs after to catch them — and fled
They all are every one! — and I stand, and start,
At the water that oozes up, plop and plop,
On the barges that flop
And dizzy me dead.
I might reel and drop.
Plop.
Dead.

And the shrill wind whines in the thin tree-top
Flop, plop.
*          *          *          *          *
A curse on him.
Ugh! yet I knew — I knew –
If a woman is false can a friend be true?
It was only a lie from beginning to end –

My Devil — My “Friend”

I had trusted the whole of my living to!

Ugh; and I knew!

Ugh!
So what do I care,

And my head is empty as air –

I can do,
I can dare,
(Plop, plop
The barges flop
Drip drop.)

I can dare! I can dare!

And let myself all run away with my head
And stop.

Drop.
Dead.
Plop, flop.

                                              Plop.

{This has been your first installment of Bad Poetry Week with Olivia Waite. If you’d like to sample something in prose for a palate-cleanser, it just so happens I have a new book out, Color Me Bad, which is available from Ellora’s Cave, ARe (where it’s half off!) and the Kindle store.}

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Happy Release Day for Color Me Bad!

My latest erotic historical novella, Color Me Bad, releases today from Ellora’s Cave! Here is the lovely, lovely cover — please to click to purchase!

Cover image for Color Me Bad. A red-haired woman with pale skin and an innocent expression is wrapped in a swath of pink fabric, her hands held daintily up to her chin. Behind her are stacks of paintings, in various stages of completion.

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For Curious Eyeballs: An Excerpt from Color Me Bad

{Disclaimer: the following excerpt in no way endorses historical burglary. Unless you, the heroine, are absolutely sure it’s necessary — in which case, go right ahead! I’m sure that will work out brilliantly. Color Me Bad releases on April 17.}

The first thing went wrong before she even got in the door.

Hecuba Jones had learned to pick locks on the old tumbler locks on the doors of her family’s home. Her father had eventually installed a Barron double-acting and it had taken months for Hecuba to find the right amount of pressure to use on the pick—too little and the lock stayed locked, too much and it re-locked itself. It had been nearly ten years since she’d tried something that complicated.

The Earl of Underwood was apparently quite mindful of his security, since the lock on the tradesman’s entrance to his home was the very latest model—a Chubb detector lock.

Which was, to the full extent of Hecuba’s knowledge, unpickable. By anyone, much less an amateur thief a decade out of practice.

She raised the pick and hook to the edge of the lock and took a deep breath, willing her hands to remain steady. The Chubb’s main feature was that it could only be unlocked by one specific key. Using a copy—or lifting one of its inner levers the slightest bit too high with a pick—would jam the lock entirely. Then, when the owner came home with the right key, the lock would only open if the key was turned the opposite way—so the lock’s owner would know that someone had attempted an entry.

Hecuba’s palms grew damp and she scrubbed them against the material of her black trousers. There was no time for this, damn it all.

She gritted her teeth and leaned closer.

And paused.

A thought occurred.

She transferred pick and hook to her left hand and reached out with her right.

Slowly, she wrapped her hand around the door handle and turned it.

The door opened with demure, well-oiled silence.

Hecuba didn’t know whether to curse or sing with joy. Instead of doing either, she moved quickly across the threshold and pulled the door quietly shut behind her.

It was a strange thing indeed to move through the darkness of an unfamiliar house. She paused for a long while, just listening, until she was finally convinced that even the most disciplined and devoted servants had long ago sought their beds. Her baggy men’s trousers and high-collared coat were deep black and well-worn enough not to rustle or catch the light as she padded along the corridor of the first story. Five minutes and two wrong doors later brought her to the Earl of Underwood’s study.

Twin shafts of moonlight slipped in through the two tall and imperfectly curtained windows in the far wall. On the right, a pair of paintings hung above a broad old desk bristling with scars. Two more paintings flanked an ancient, cracked mantelpiece on the room’s left-hand side. A few weathered armchairs stood about the room like battered veterans of some ancient upholstery war . One would have expected the earl to be more particular about the state of his décor, but the room was undeniably cozy, in an old-fashioned, masculine kind of way.

She reminded herself not to relax. Despite the room’s welcoming air, disaster would result if she were caught here.

Hecuba stepped forward in her soft leather shoes and raised the darkened lantern. The flick of a wrist set free one slender beam of light, just bright enough for her to see a few telltale colors of the room’s four paintings.

Relief bubbled up in her heart. Yes, these were the four she’d been looking for.

She set the lantern on the desk and took down the left-hand painting from that wall, grasping its carven frame with great care.  Night obscured most of the painting’s details, but she knew it as well as she knew her own face and her memory filled in the gaps. This painting showed a twilight scene in the back garden of a country cottage—serenely drooping blossoms, rustic white walls, the merest hint of a dusky blue horizon in the distance. On the balcony of the second story, a tall figure dressed all in black with a black mask over his face pressed his back against that white wall, focused on the tempting open window to his right.

It was titled: The Thief.

And there was the signature, in the lower right-hand corner—C. F. Jones.

The painting had caused a scandal and a sensation when it had been offered for auction after the artist’s demise. Rumor had it that the masked figure was the culprit behind several highly talked-over burglaries of the previous generation and that the artist had received payment for his work in the form of priceless, purloined jewels.

Nobody knew The Thief’s true identity.

Nobody, that is, except Hecuba Jones.

Hecuba turned the painting facedown and snicked open the blade of her knife.

From behind her, a large hand moved into view on her left and snapped the lantern shut.

Hecuba was plunged into darkness.

While she stood frozen in shock, her right hand—with the knife still clutched in it—was pressed gently yet firmly to the rough wood of the desk. A man spoke, so close that his breath stirred the hair by her right ear. “It seems we both have found ourselves a thief,” he murmured.

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‘As if money was a substitute for fair play’: feminist subtext in The Governess Affair

After the Vicki Essex review and the feminist heroine fiasco, I’ve been feeling like many of my latest posts have come down on the negative side of the critical spectrum. To balance things out, I kept an eye out for positive examples of romances with feminist leanings — and now I’m thrilled to say that Courtney Milan’s The Governess Affair has a strongly feminist subtext based around power, money, consent, and women’s autonomy.

{Be ye warned: spoilers abound. Also, at present the novella is free on Amazon, so I’d run right out and grab it if I were you.}

Cover for Courtney Milan's The Governess Affair: a light-skinned woman with dark hair wears a long gold gown. She has her back to the viewer, and is turning to look at the viewer over her right shoulder.

The book opens with a description of two men, one of them a duke, and the other, our hero:

An untutored observer would focus on the Duke of Clermont, apparently in full command … his patrician features were sharp and aristocratic. Compared with Hugo’s own unprepossessing expression and sandy brown hair, the untutored observer would have concluded that the duke was in charge.

The untutored observer, Hugo thought, was an idiot. (2-3)

Less than a page in, the visible marks of patriarchal power—expensive clothing, “patrician features”—are irrevocably undermined. Hugo isn’t a servant. He’s a former boxer who is now something of an enforcer, working to eliminate the duke’s many debts. If he succeeds before a given date, he will be rewarded with enough money to launch his own business empire. He successfully helped the duke marry an heiress, but the new duchess’ father was canny enough to put her fortune in trust, to be doled out on a regular schedule—provided, of course, that the duke does not do anything to irritate his new bride.

Read more…

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