Unlikely Stories

The Perils of Estate Planning for Writers

The lawyer was doing an excellent job at explaining the different structures available to Mr. Waite and myself. He’d clearly done this before, with people as or even more clueless than we were, and he had multiple color-coded graphs with lists of pros and cons for things like wills, living trusts, and everything in between. He was especially good at finding oases of clarity in the desert of legal terminology, and would occasionally spice things up by hinting at the ways in which the system could provoke familial conflict or trouble for relatives and spouses of the deceased.

This was not, however, a good way to keep short a meeting with a writer. It was great fodder for a mystery plot.

“Your wedding ring, for instance,” said the lawyer. “Right now it’s yours, because you brought it with you into the marriage. But if your kind husband were to add stones to it, it would become joint property, because he’d put money into it.”

“Really?” I perked up my ears. “What about, say, a family heirloom like my grandmother’s ring? Would it become joint property if he just had it resized or polished, or would he actually have to add stones?”

The lawyer blinked at my sudden enthusiasm. “He’d have to add stones,” he said.

“Ah,” I replied, jotting this down in my notes.

The lawyer cleared his throat and continued explaining. I interrupted a few more times to ask about “trust mills” (a shady practice whereby couples are sold a living trust but the trust isn’t funded, so that the seller keeps a boatload of cash and the surviving spouse is left with nothing on their partner’s death) and sapphire mines in Australia (which I normally think of as exclusively opal country — this was a bit of a detour, but really interesting). Soon we got into the meat of probate and post-death-of-a-spouse legalities. I waved off concerns about my own assets — I’m a writer, so: what assets? — and asked a lot of questions about the line of inheritance, trusts generally, the various opportunities for civil suits in inheritance law, that sort of thing.

And then, mid-note, I caught a sharp glance from the lawyer and realized: what I was doing was building up a pretty sizeable motive. This lawyer would definitely go right to the police and tell them all about my suspicious behavior. And then, officer, she specifically asked me to explain how to legally prevent someone from contesting a will. 

I’d better hope nothing untoward happens to Mr. Waite.

Ominous music.

Clap of thunder.

Shifty eyes.

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Stop The Presses: Tired Writer Cannot Write

Okay, so it’s been two weeks now that I’ve been working full-time at the bookstore. Nights and weekends. It’s fun, I get to look at pretty books all day and alphabetize — I am one of those nerdy types who finds alphabetizing a soothing and engaging activity — and help customers find books as best I can. Even the foot-killing four-hour register shifts haven’t really dampened my enthusiasm.

Except…

I haven’t been able to write since I started.

It’s not a question of inspiration. I still have all my ideas, I’m still doing research, still fine-tuning outlines. The stories are somewhere, waiting. But every time I sit in front of the keyboard, all I can think, over and over, like the phonograph inside my head is stuck on this one groove, is this:

I’m so tired.

I’ll try to push through — I know that voice can be made to go away — but every time I put down a sentence I know it is wrong. Know, deep down in my bones, that there is no life in it. Everything feels so absurdly shallow, suddenly — not in terms of subject matter, but in terms of my own engagement. And a writer disengaged from what she’s writing is not going to write anything worth reading. Especially not in romance.

And it hurts, because I like to think of myself as disciplined, as determined, as a writer who works and does not wait for inspiration to strike. I’ve gotten stuck before — who hasn’t? — but when one story is stuck another one is sure to be working, so I bounce from one to the other until the first one unsticks itself, like they always do.

This is the first time I can ever remember where nothing is working.

And it feels as though I have failed on some profound moral level. Chuck Wendig, penmonkey patron saint, would certainly disapprove. But it seems, to my shame, that I am somehow fundamentally incapable of working full-time and also doing anything substantive in the wordsmithery.

I tell myself to just get on with it. But the listening half of me has that same gut-level revulsion as when your coach in the sport of your choice looks at your broken ankle and tells you to walk it off.

Other writers do this. They do this all the time. 

What on earth is wrong with me?

In comments: please leave sympathy, tips, and any good jokes you may have heard lately. Bonus points if they involve terrible puns. You see what I’ve been reduced to.

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Bigger versus Better

Reader, I like ‘em long. And meaty. And powerful. And Latin, frequently — though I’m not terribly picky about nationality. Greek and French and Finnish are pretty great, too. I have a particular fondness for the bastard ones.

Of course, I’m talking about words. Where else did you think this blog post was going?

There’s a specific mantra of writing advice — in this great piece, among other places — that I can never quite bring myself to abide by, and it is this: longer words will intimidate readers.

The reason I can’t stand this maxim is that, as a reader myself, I know it to be false. Or at least false enough.

I was that kid who read dictionaries for fun. I memorized obscure terms for groups of animals (a smack of jellyfish) and poetic meters (trochee, spondee, anapest). I’ll never forget the time in college when I first stumbled over the word crepuscular. (It means ‘relating to twilight or dusk’ and I have to hold myself back from using it when people bring up sparkly vampire stories.)

There’s a general idea that shorter words are better for use in fiction. (I blame Hemingway, among others.) The trouble with this is that even if two words mean the same thing, the fact remains that they are different words and will do slightly different things. As Sideshow Bob Terwilliger taught us in the best Simpsons episode of all time, sometimes you want to disembowel someone, and sometimes you want to gut them.

Plus, sometimes the rule about using short words comes off as demeaning the reader’s intelligence. I mean come on, people, we Regency romance devotees all know what a pelisse is, and that’s hardly a useful word for today’s modern gal on the go. (To do: draft memo, present proposal, wear pelisse.)

You know what’s always long in romance novels? That’s right: the ever-popular Mighty Wang. Sometimes it is too long to be practical, or even plausible. But usually it is long because that’s what’s going to get the job done.

Same goes for words. Don’t use them just because they’re long, or just because they’re short. Use them because they’re right for the job. (The Goldilocks Theory of Writercraft?)

So I’ll keep mine long — and strong — and down to get the fiction on.

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Now That You Mention It, The Internet Is Totally A Speakeasy

{Background: people have been saying — on Techdirt, more recently on Techdirt, and now in a thorough 57-page paper that I haven’t finished reading yet — that copyright enforcement is ‘our generation’s Prohibition’. I’ll have more thoughts once I’ve finished the paper, but for now this is immediately where my mind leapt. Metaphors are powerful, yo.}

Mickey pulled his hat down lower over his face before heading into the alley. It was an unpromising canyon of a shadows with a single rivet-bound door at the end. For a moment his heart stuttered and fell to its knees, trying to convince him this was all a terrible mistake.

Anne tugged on his elbow, her smile like a slash in the dim light, as bloody red as her dress. “Come on,” she said. “It’s only frightening the first time.”

Mickey pulled his heart up to its feet and followed.

Anne’s heels staccattoed the concrete as she strode to the door. At her knock, a window slid open just wide enough to reveal a pair of thoughtful brown eyes. Said the man, “Weather’s bad tonight. Looks like rain.”

“They say it’s going to come down in torrents,” Anne replied.

The window snicked shut, then the whole door creaked open. The thoughtful brown eyes belonged to a pale man with wild, astonishing hair and a self-effacing smile. “Hurry up,” he said.

Anne pulled Mickey inside and the doorman pulled the door closed once more. A long hallway led left, then right, then down, then through a dusty cellar. A tuxedo-clad man took Mickey’s hat and politely opened a second thick door.

Mickey stepped into a swirl of music and color and noise.

He stopped to try and get his bearings. Straight ahead was a dance floor, crammed with bodies gyrating to bootlegs of live concerts, lost tracks, and illicit mash-ups—all of which were available upon request from the cat-eared DJ in the front of the room. In velvet-lined booths to the right people were trading reproductions of famous paintings, fan art, and celebrity photos. One girl proudly displayed a sketch where Disney’s Belle and her Beast had been transformed into Chewbacca and Han Solo: Belle’s blue skirt and white apron had changed into a white shirt, blue vest and pants, and the Beast sported a bandolier across his broad chest. The caption read: “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.”

On Mickey’s left were a row of glass-walled rooms with flickering screens that displayed the latest smash hit movie, classic decade-long television shows, and forgotten classics that were rarely seen outside art houses and film schools in the nation’s two largest cities. Above was a balcony studded with couches and chairs, each of which held someone curled up for comfort, balancing the slender weight of an e-reader in their hands.

And everywhere people were talking, squealing, laughing, fighting, creating, comparing, emjoying. It was lunacy—and it was infectious.

Anne encompassed the whole room with one regal gesture. “Where should we start?” she asked.

Mickey’s face split in a wide grin. “The music,” he said.

Within an hour, Mickey had procured albums by Tom Waits and Otis Redding, things he’d purchased years ago and had since lost. Someone told him about some band called the Avett Brothers, and gave him a copy of Four Thieves Gone. He found a set of headphones and hit play.

Thanks to the high volume of the music and the excellent quality of the headphones, Mickey only noticed the police had arrived when they yanked out the jack. “You’re under arrest,” said the detective. His white trenchcoat fit his broad shoulders like the wings of an avenging angel.

Mickey blinked in surprise. Blue-clad street cops moved somberly through the room, but everyone else had vanished, even Anne. CDs and mixtapes, videos and Blu-rays lay scattered and crushed on the caramel wood floor. As he watched, one cop lifted an axe and brought it crashing down on a screen showing a gifset from The Avengers.

Meanwhile, Mickey’s detective was examining his list of titles. He pursed his lips and whistled. “The Avett Brothers?” he said. “You son of a bitch.”

“I’m starting to really dig that album,” Mickey protested.

“Then why would you take money away from hard-working young artists?” The cop kicked over a stack of copies of Johnny Cash’s At Folsom Prison. “It’s one thing to steal a dead man’s tunes,” he said. “But a small band struggling to make good?”

“I didn’t know I would like it until I heard it,” Mickey said weakly. “Aren’t they coming to town next month? I’m sure I’ve seen the poster somewhere. I’d love to hear them play in person.”

“Why not just download a bootleg of that concert, too?” the detective snarled.

“Well,” said Mickey, “because concerts are fun.”

“You won’t be able to afford concert tickets for a long while, buddy,” the detective replied. “The last guy we caught with this many MP3s got a six-figure fine and community service.”

“Six figures!” Mickey cried. “You’ve got to be joking.”

“It’s piracy that’s the real joke,” said the detective. “Like the proverbial bad penny, you criminals keep turning up.” He sighed and waved one hand to his subordinates. As the police hauled Mickey away, he craned his head over his shoulder to see that the DJ had already crept back into his booth and the readers were back in their chairs up above. (Had they ever really left?)

Lounging in one of those overhead chairs was Anne, her long legs stretched out easily before her. She smiled and blew Mickey a kiss.

The riveted door slammed shut.

{The inevitable disclaimer: I believe that copyright is vitally important, but that enforcement of copyright has taken some ludicrous turns in the course of developing a practical law. Piracy’s overlap with fair use, international law, and fan culture is still a murky, ill-defined territory. The metaphor of copyright-enforcement-as-Prohibition is initially intriguing — we’ll see if the historical argument holds up — especially since it implies that popular culture is intoxicating, vital, and impossible to quash. But it also implies that popular culture is vulgar, morally dodgy, and may provide a financial building ground for organized crime. And I’m not just talking about bootleg Sopranos episodes. I’ll have more coherent thoughts about this in future.

Also if anyone wants to draw me a picture of Belle and the Beast as Han and Chewy that would be spectacular.

UPDATE: Ask and you shall receive!}

Belle and Beast as Han and Chewy -iPad sketch

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