Thirteen Questions About The Most Bangable Male Characters in British Literature

This morning, we here at Olivia Waite were delighted to discover that a Facebook friend had posted the Awl's list of 111 Male Characters of British Literature, in Order of Bangability. And it left us with a few questions—thirteen of them, to be precise.

 

A Pride and Prejudice screencap of Colin Firth in a see-through wet white poet shirt, looking somewhat despondent.

 

 

  1. Seriously, Mr. Darcy is only number 3? Behind Rochester and Aragorn? Even though the latter is a total prig in the book and the former has that whole wife-in-the-attic problem?
  2. Aslan is considered bangable, even though he is a resurrected Jesus lion? And he's higher on the list than King Arthur? Who, it could be argued, is also a resurrected Jesus lion?
  3. Aslan—more bangable than Severus Snape. You're really going with that? On the internet?
  4. How is it that Captain Wentworth only barely cracks the top half of the list? I mean, isn't a naval hero who writes beautiful love letters and also hinted that he made his fortune by royally sanctioned piracy the very definition of sexy?
  5. I mean, isn't it?
  6. When you put Legolas and Robin Hood next to each other on the list, did you suspect it might inspire some kind of erotic crossover fanfic about their forbidden trans-dimensional love? Wouldn't such a story have to lean heavily on the archery metaphor?
  7. Would you perhaps post such a story if I wrote it? Because it sounds really fun.
  8. How is Willy Wonka even the slightest bit more bangable than Dr. Watson?
  9. How did Bertie Wooster beat Colonel Brandon? Or is that another erotic crossover fanfic waiting to happen?
  10. And you're just fucking with us when you included King Lear, right?
  11. And Peter Pan?
  12. And when you list Tom Bombadil as more bangable than James Bond?
  13. That can't possibly be right. Can it?